[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
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Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”