What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
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I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80