A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
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Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”