I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
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One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.