she has a smile full of sesame seeds
You Might Also Like
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
uh oh
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL