[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
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Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Thursday Thought.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Meow
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”