I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
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cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”