Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
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I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Usage Guidelines
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.