Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
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I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness