Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
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Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I am yelling
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW