My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
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Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….