[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
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Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
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Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
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Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
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Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
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When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible