Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
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A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.