Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
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Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Breaking news:
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
this is the news I live for
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Saturday
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”