My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
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[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.