BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
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Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
just pretend nothing happened
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.