Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
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Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Botany good plants lately?
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.