No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
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Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.