i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
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Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Choose your fighter
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”