My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
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Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
no one likes gloating
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.