[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
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The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Saw your ex at the shops
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…