Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
You Might Also Like
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I need this for my side hustle.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen