Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
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Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Somewhere in an alternate universe
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
can I use a minion as a tampon
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.