Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
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If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
how long have you had this for?
i want to work in this restaurant
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it