“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied