Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
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I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
tourist season
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames