In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
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Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple