If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
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This guy must be getting annoyed by now
This why you should mind your business
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?