*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
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Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
The police never think its as funny as you do.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..