I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
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*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Just grow your own
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A