1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
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My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.