It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
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Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Me trying to “trust the process”