*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
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You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Jesus Christ lmao
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.