Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
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My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
#Caturday
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.