Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
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Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I think this should do it.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
my sentiments exactly