ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
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Strangers have the best candy.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I’m calling the cops.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before