[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
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The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are