We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
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1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Yup….perfect score!
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Wednesday
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.