This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
You Might Also Like
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
12. I think about this all the damn time
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.