Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
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me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Imma just leave this here…………
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
jesus, what did this guy do
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”