listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
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So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
we’re gonna need another temp
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I’m giving up for Lent.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
i spent way too long on this
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd