You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
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Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*