People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
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*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I can’t deal with men any longer
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.