Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
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Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Milk Cube
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1