You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
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Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
A great tip. #CakeRex
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*