Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
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My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
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Me: Same
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.