Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
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[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good