when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
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My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Are you a cat person or a person person?
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.