“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
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Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.