God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
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professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.